Interesting Superbowl Personalities

[SF 16 8 80]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pete-carroll,35127/

Pete Carroll
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Coach, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Never throws in the towel, even if his team is up by 30 points; Extremely likable to anyone who can’t see through his bullshit

Weaknesses: Probably that he cares too much, or maybe that he works too hard; Hasn’t slept in 18 years; Loss to Vince Young in 2006 BCS National Championship Game looks more and more pathetic every day

Coaching Style: Not afraid to yell “woo” in faces of Seahawks; Attempts to make brutally violent game fun for everyone

Strategy: Going for it

Facial Expressions: Cocky fuck; incredulous prick

Fun Nickname: “Coach”

Recruiting Violations Since Joining Seahawks: Zero

Email: [email protected]

 

[SF 16 8 80]

Russell Wilson
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height

Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback

Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic

Team: Seattle Seabirds

Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard

Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”

 

[BleedsBlue12]

The fact a SF fan could post anything about a coach is hilarious.

From the poster child of personality disorder...lol

 

[SF 16 8 80]

Richard Sherman
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Cornerback, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws

Weaknesses: Lacks elite mouth-closing speed; Managed to completely alienate half of a country that welcomed back Michael Vick; Lacks self-confidence

Position: Hype man

Biggest Fear: Finding first gray dreadlock

Speed: 40 words in 4.54 seconds

OSN Player Rating: 19.7 +/- 0.4

Toughness: Very physical, hard-hitting celebrations

Favorite Distance To Be Away From Microphones: Zero feet

 

[BleedsBlue12]

Yawn...Who are the Whiners playing this week? Oh, that's right they're not. LMAO!

 

[BleedsBlue12]

 

[SF 16 8 80]

Earl Thomas
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Safety, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Prominently featured in OSN’s Super Bowl guide; Came up with the “of” part in “Legion of Boom”

Weaknesses: Lacks ideal-sized mouth for Seahawks secondary; Modest, selfless demeanor alienates him from teammates

Childhood Nickname That No Amount Of Professional Success Can Eclipse: Girl Thomas

Enjoys: Long, romantic backpedals

Best Known As: That other guy who’s not Richard Sherman

Endorsements: Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman

Volunteer Activity: Nursing abandoned footballs

Opinion On Gay Players In The NFL: You don’t want to know

 

[BleedsBlue12]

Yet he still crushed the Whiners...funny how this envy thing works.

 

[SF 16 8 80]

Off topic post.

 

[BleedsBlue12]

Everything you post is off topic...

 

[SF 16 8 80]

WTF? This isn't a rival thread, it's about the Superbowl. All the good stuff gets banished to purgatory around here.

 

[RAMSWRATH]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pete-carroll,35127/

Pete Carroll
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Coach, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Never throws in the towel, even if his team is up by 30 points; Extremely likable to anyone who can’t see through his bullshit

Weaknesses: Probably that he cares too much, or maybe that he works too hard; Hasn’t slept in 18 years; Loss to Vince Young in 2006 BCS National Championship Game looks more and more pathetic every day

Coaching Style: Not afraid to yell “woo” in faces of Seahawks; Attempts to make brutally violent game fun for everyone

Strategy: Going for it

Facial Expressions: Cocky fuck; incredulous prick

Fun Nickname: “Coach”

Recruiting Violations Since Joining Seahawks: Zero

Email: [email protected]

Facial expressions

 

[RAMSWRATH]

Russell Wilson
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height

Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback

Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic

Team: Seattle Seabirds

Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard

Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”

Probably true on all counts. I think he has an excellent chance at really becoming an excellent QB.

 

[RAMSWRATH]

The fact a SF fan could post anything about a coach is hilarious.

From the poster child of personality disorder...lol

Yes that is a pot calling the kettle black scenario though both are at their respective extremes.

 

[RAMSWRATH]

Richard Sherman
Sports News • Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII • ISSUE 50•04 • Jan 31, 2014

Cornerback, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Can read quarterback’s eyes and thereby understand his soul; Quickly moving fingers while in defensive stance at line of scrimmage; Excellent ability to recognize routes, wide receiver’s flaws

Weaknesses: Lacks elite mouth-closing speed; Managed to completely alienate half of a country that welcomed back Michael Vick; Lacks self-confidence

Position: Hype man

Biggest Fear: Finding first gray dreadlock

Speed: 40 words in 4.54 seconds

OSN Player Rating: 19.7 +/- 0.4

Toughness: Very physical, hard-hitting celebrations

Favorite Distance To Be Away From Microphones: Zero feet

This was the softball treatment. He deserves worse. I hope he does his job then shutsTFU.

 

[RAMSWRATH]

 

[RAMSWRATH]

WTF? This isn't a rival thread, it's about the Superbowl. All the good stuff gets banished to purgatory around here.

 

[BleedsBlue12]

I didn't move it...he posted in Rivals. And it's not a Superbowl thread by any stretch of the imagination.

 

[TheBandwagon]

The attempt at humor is as DOA as the Onion itself. The Onion is about as funny as a root canal. Way too pc.
Compelling humor has to have a thread of truth to it, of which the good folks at the Onion misses the mark.

 

[BleedsBlue12]

And SF fans whining is like a root canal...for them. LOL